5 Insane Subcultures That Might Become The Next Hipster

Guys, we’ve run and done it: We violated hipsters. We’ve constructed fun of their $200 “vintage” shirts and fixies and craft-beer-spewing proboscises for so long that the very word has malfunctioned. “Hipster” is now a meaningless go-to insult for anyone who appears different from you, which is everyone . The hipster is go. Beards is to be able to be un-ironic again.

However, as much as it aches me to say this, the death of the hipster is a problem. There must always be a dominant subculture — the one people love to loathe until it occupies so much intellect space that it actually makes the mainstream. A few of them actually die; strong ones such as punk come cackling back in the darkness before long, while others such as hippies gain public semi-acceptance and go on doing their thing. Even fucking emos have Hot Topic to recollect them by. But , not hipsters — hipsters are going out like an IP-Atainted diarrhea fart. The mark they leave is distinct, but easily washable. They’ve been an unsustainable fad — the Kris Kross jeans of subcultures. So , now that they’re on the out, there’s a power vacuum, and attempts to fill it with more of the same( watch “lumbersexuals” and “yuccies“) don’t seem to be gaining too much traction.

The balance of the universe is at stake. What we need is the next hipster: a fresh new stereotype to joke about/ lust after( depending on your alignment) for the next few years. Ensure as I’m currently locked in the write barrel, and another columnists refuse to let me out until I find one, here runs 😛 TAGEND

# 5. Raggare

I’ve never been a greaser myself because, frankly, I can only handle so much Buddy Holly, but I have a long-standing affinity toward 1950 s esthetics. That’s why it’s always pissed me off a little that, apart from a few manner revivals and Stray Cats in the 1980 s, the culture has been firmly sidelined from the mainstream for decades. Still, simply because it’s not front and center doesn’t mean that it’s not evolving. In Sweden, strange things are happening 😛 TAGEND It’s like Mad Max had a drinking competitor with Grease , and everyone lost .

Raggare have been around since the 1950 s, but they truly kicked into gear during the course of its 1970 s oil crisis: When America received it didn’t have money to drive its giant-ass cars, many Swedes said, “Fuck yes, American stuff for inexpensive, ” and bought themselves a bunch of Buicks, Dodges, and suchlike in prime condition. The rock ‘n’ roll attitude arrived with the cars, and they’ve never stopped since. These days, raggare are a culture old enough to have subcultures of its own: the relatively mellow old-timers who tinker with their machines and arrange garage parties and drives, and the younger generation, who are currently feistier and, if the pictures are any indication, possess a very different position about their cars’ appearance.

Feber
“I’m telling you, human, thatched car roofs are the next big thing.”

Hipster Pros:

Raggare have a appear. They have a very specific thing that they do. Most importantly, they’re not just a phase you grow out of. Guys from the 1970 s are still in the scene and have no intent of stopping. These guys could have actual lasting power.

Hipster Cons:

They’re seasonal. The raggare lifestyle is all about old automobiles, suede shoes, and painstakingly pomade-sculptured hair, all of which go right out of the window when mom nature decides to build your region feed a faceful of winter. For the colder portion of the year, many raggare tend to go around in modern autoes and season-appropriate clothes and generally give more of an upstanding citizen vibe. Today’s Twitter-filled world is a hectic ol’ thing, and a subculture that goes into hibernation for a few months every year might not be able to survive even a single media cycle.

I am, of course, proposing that they should mod their autoes into all-weather, all-terrain attack vehicles, M.A.S.K. style.

# 4. Seapunk

Seapunk is a logical successor to the dominant subculture throne, in that it ticks all the right boxes: They have their own weird, home/ hip-hop music, a distinct identity, and a looking that sets them apart from everyone else. Also important: Said seem is vexing as hell.

Aquaman’s emo years were no one’s proudest moment .

Even seapunk’s origin narrative is organic, reflects our times, and( most importantly) is easily stupid enough to warrant a torrent of jokes. Someone find a dream about a leather coat with barnacles instead of studs and tweeted it, shit went viral — and boom! Online joke becomes a meme, and meme becomes a subculture, complete with aesthetics that look like a tornado picked up the entire Burning Man festival and fell it in the cartoon ocean part of Oz.

Hipster Pros:

They’re a fucking meme come to life! Plus , no one seems to be certain about whether this is an elaborate joke or an actual thing that exists. Suck on those irony levels, veterans of the hipster scene.

My money would be on the joke, but I guess I actually have a shirt like that somewhere .

Hipster Cons:

It might be too late. We live in a hour where most cool new things are almost immediately appropriated by the mainstream. So, barely a year into its short life, pop starrings from Rihanna to Azealia Banks were already flirting with the seapunk aesthetic, stripping it of what little underground value it had. By most accounts, the movement largely fizzled out of existence following completion of 2012, meaning that the Mayan people were right about at least one small, sad apocalypse.

Even if there is a strong seapunk scene bubbling under the streets and just waiting to explode upon us in all its aquamarine glory, there’s the fact that apart from the 0.01 percent of seapunks with the appears, hour, fund, and eye for visuals to regularly look like a naval-themed bridal cake, pretty much every aficionado of the movement would end up appearing as out of place as the left shark in Katy Perry’s Superbowl performance.

FUCK YEAH LEFT SHARK, YOU SHOW THEM !

This would, of course, be totally awesome and thus severely undermine the subculture’s ability to function as a dislike sink.

# 3. Gopniki

Weird Russia

There are plenty of working class cultures around the world that wear track suits and designer gear — British chavs, Polish dresy, Australian bogans, and gangsta rappers, for instance. However, those are not what we’re going to talk about today. Today, we’re all about the gopniki. They’re the Russian variation of the ghetto gangster topic and therefore, by default, 125 percent rougher around the edges and in possession of precisely none of all the fuckings. If you find a weird YouTube clip about a 20 -something in a cheap way suit doing specific activities that attains you instantaneously nod and think: “Yep, Russia, ” opportunities are it’s one of these guys.

Case in point .

Hipster Pros:

Every once in a while, society needs its dominant subculture to be more than merely a remora sticking to pop culture’s underbelly. Sometimes, we need it to give us a good, hard slap on the balls and stimulate us look in the mirror. It’s been a while since we had one of those, and none of the current ones fit the old “my son/ daughter is not going to go out with one of those people” bill better than the gopniki.

Also, I’m completely on board with a rerun of the Slav squat meme .

Hipster Cons:

Gopniki are not known for their open-mindedness, but highly so for their tendency to drunkenly oppose anything that moves. Unless you’re a terrible person, they’re not going to agree with your political opinions too much and, on occasion, might be inclined to do their disagreeing with the soles of their Adidas instead of angry blogging.

So, while a gopnik might be a very good target for a casual “ugh, can you believe what I find one of those fucking gopniki do today at Starbucks? ” said offensive activity might involve a lot less pretentious screenplay writing with an actual typewriter and a lot more high-impact slurs and poor impulse control.

Also, I actually, genuinely don’t want that goddamned slicked-forward inverted mullet hairstyle half of them seem to sport to catch on. I still haven’t recovered from topknots.

Actually, yeah, let’s pass these fucking guys. Besides, I have a so much more nominee merely around the corner …

# 2. Haul People

Back in the murky depths of 2011, Cracked’s resident trend expert Daniel O’Brien became baffled by a phenomenon known as haul videos. They’re apparently random YouTube clips where girls fawned over their shopping “hauls” on-camera and, for some inexplicable reason, raked in five- to six-figure views.

I remember this well. Back then, it seemed like just another weird kink of the Internet, a video version of a meme. Surely, people have long since grown bored of watching a bunch of creepy kids wave their purchases at the camera and strayed away to watch more cat videos or someth-

… ing .

6. 7 million opinions? Actual production values? What the shit ?

Sure, they’re still not particularly widely known, but they’ve been moving and shaking in the marginal like no one’s business. The people who stimulate haul videos used to be called haul daughters, but now that guys are in on specific actions, too, I don’t think the community really has a name yet — haulers? Haulsters? I’m just going to go ahead and call them “haul people” and hope it’ll stick until the Mole Man mishears the name and attempts to enslave them all. Many of the more successful ones have PR agents and deals with manner and cosmetic companies. They have been featured on Good Morning America . They have a distinct identity, albeit that of vapid fucks yammering about consumer products to unseen audiences. There are even people who induce haul charades. If that level of sadness doesn’t ruin your day, I don’t know what will.

Hipster Pros:

Easier to dislike than a shit-smeared street performer singing Nickelback, yet inexplicably popular enough to have some semblance of legitimacy. Those are the main definitions of, well, every fucking successful subculture in history , and haul people pass them with flying flags.

Flags that they shape out of giant shopping bags .

Hipster Con:

They’re not ready just yet.

Although they have vast potential as a highly visible subculture that everyone will do their level best to forget in five years’ time, haul people currently absence direction. They’re basically low-key corporate shills, buying/ get junk and peddling it for us. However, the extreme popularity of fringe carry genres such as unboxing videos depicts promise for something much, much grander and more stupid. Give it a year or two; I have hope that the community knows where to find certain defining themes and Flanderize itself into something we can truly be baffled by on an ironic-mustache level.

# 1. These Fucking Guys

For the love of G’huul the Great Eater, keep the audio on .

Hipster Pros:

All of them.

Hipster Con:

None. We’re done here. I don’t care who these people really are. I don’t care what they’re supposed to be doing. All I know is that they look like an explosion at the My Little Pony factory’s neon paint subsidiary, and someone edited the Thomas The Tank Engine topic to sync with their goofy-looking space outfit flailing. That is the level of bafflement there is a requirement to right now, friends, and I now want these guys to explode all over our pop culture fucking yesterday — preferably, while contractually obligated to carry a boom box that detonation out the Thomas theme 24/7.

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked weekly columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter .

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