7 Awful Audio No One Ever Want To Hear

I have a weird issue with audio. I never realise it until someone pointed it out to me. I can sleep through the loudest noises; I grew up near a train yard and could sleep through the audio of develops smashing together all night long. But the voice of a plastic suitcase rustling or a faucet dripping could keep me up all night. So it’s not necessarily the volume of a voice that affects me, but some other quality. There’s something in certain audios that just drives me mad. And I’ve managed to narrow down the seven worst audios on the entire planet.

# 7. A Dog Going Down On Itself

I have a female dog, and like 87 percentage of the time we get along fine. I devote her kibble and water; she shits on the lawns of my foes. We’re pretty awesome. But there is an issue that creeps in every so often that threatens the foundation of our relations, and that’s her tendency to full-on glurp-slurp her cooch on the couch.

I appreciate hygiene as much as the next guy; I clean my ass all the time to keep it minty fresh in case I get in road traffic accidents and the only way to save me is through some kind of ass compressions. And even though I bathe my puppy, I appreciate her willingness to engage in some between-bath refreshing of her giblet shoot and surrounding areas. But holy shit, holy brain-scrambling shit, is the voice merely unbearable.

As if her Giger-like mouth organ wasn’t gross enough to appear at .

There’s a subtle squelching quality to the whole endeavor, backed by a bass thrum of her apparently humming along to keep herself occupied as she works deep in the ours of a canine squish mitten. If you’ve never experienced it, count yourself lucky — it’s absolute auditory madness.

# 6. That Unnecessary “Ahh” After A Drink

I appreciate a refreshing beverage as much as the next guy, and nothing beats a cold, delicious glass of beet nectar after a hot day digging unmarked tombs. I bet I’ve enjoyed an ice cold glass of Grandpappy’s XXX brew and let loose a satisfied “Ahhh! ” after my first gulp once or twice myself. But the thing is this — everyone get one. You get one “ahh, ” and only if it’s obvious you’ve been in a dehydrating situation prior to imbibing.


Woe be to the aural terrorist who takes it upon themselves to fell an “ahh” after every goddamn swallow. This is not acceptable in 2-year-olds, and if an adult engages in this foolishness it’s beyond fingernails on a chalkboard. It’s hardware fingernails, in your brain, while someone holds up a chalkboard as a platter from which they can remove beverages and “ahh” after each damn sip.

# 5. When A Loogie Comes To Fruition

Few people seem to enjoy the sound of another person clearing their throat. It’s a gross, aggressively wet audio, and aggressive wet things are best avoided, aren’t they? Crocodiles, piranha, grandma in the tub.

Meat Loaf .

Throat-clearing isn’t altogether that bothersome to me, though. I’ve taken enough city buses to appreciate that raspy gagging from all manner of strangers. It’s a lot like the background voice of birds in the trees. However, that’s merely standard throat-clearing. There’s one kind of throat-clearing that stands out as its own special kind of skin-crawlingly nasty assault on the senses, and that’s the kind that comes with its own happy ending. The throat-clearing that legitimately cleared something of substance, right up into that person’s maw. Just the sound of a thick, quavering loogie being dislodged and shuttling up from the back of someone’s throat against their teeth is like the devil himself tongue-fucking your ear.

Which is sexy merely in one very concrete scenario .

# 4. Adults Having Tantrums

I never realise this was something my sanity couldn’t abide until I saw this video.

Oh my lord. Did you get through the whole thing? And if so, is your asshole still hemorrhaging? This is a shock to the senses for any number of legitimate reasons, but above and beyond all the ways this should make you feel bad as a human, the sound of it is just abhorrent. That squeak, that despicable, unnecessary, unpleasant, unwelcome squeak. It’s like everything you think you know about all the people you feel have been unjustly enriched by life over the years, your Kardashians and Hiltons and so on, condensed into the caterwauling of an entitled woman-child who apparently never had to develop any abilities whatsoever to maturely and sanely deal with even the slightest adversity in her entire ignominious existence. This is the sound of privilege, filtered through a douche-nozzle cheesecloth and strained into a fuckstick highball glass. Congrats, you made an asshole mojito.

Bottoms up for this guy .

# 3. Dramatic Swallowing

Did you know you can swallow without making a audio whatsoever? Of course you did, you’ve been doing it your whole life because you’re not psychotic. And I’m forced to conclude only the most dangerously mentally unstable are the kinds of people who force a voice with each swallow because secretly they want you to be uncomfortable on a spiritual and emotional level before they try to flay you with a butter knife in their stinking, mildew-encrusted shower stalling of a basement apartment.

“Bullshit, I switched to a potato peeler last year.”

The “unk” audios of a forced swallow is your body’s route of saying, “Hey, dipshit, you’re being unnecessarily ridiculous — cut it out.” It’s like an internal alarm clock, trying to draw your attention to how you’re being incorrect, existentially speaking. And, make no mistake , no one tolerates you doing it. You may do this all the time and no one around you says a thing about it, but they’re plotting as sure as they think you are. For as psychotic as you surely must be to actively engage in this baseless, soulless behaviour, you’re pushing your victims in the same damn direction, and one day, if you don’t start the butter-knife flaying, the person you continually subject to this bullshit is going to black out and wake up balls deep in your julienned intestines. So you think about that, dramatic swallowers. You guess long and hard.

# 2. A Stranger Shitting

The year was 2010. I was at Los Angeles International Airport for the second time in my life. I had my containers, and I was on my route to leave the terminal when the Wolfgang Puck Thai chicken wrap from my departing airport also arrived at its destination. I found the nearest men’s room, set up store in a stalling, and proceeded to unburden myself of Wolfgang’s less-than-stellar efforts to nourish me.

As I sat in quiet reflection, playing what I presume in retrospect must have been Angry Birds on my phone, someone took up residency in the stall next to me. Now, there were a number of stallings available, so right away this person was unnecessarily encroaching on my happy place. You don’t take adjoining stallings if there are extras available; that’s common sense. Common decency, too. It’s the route the world runs. But whatever, maybe this guy was a drunken pilot and too confounded. How was I to know?

Or maybe, just maybe, he was looking for a glory hole that would never be .

I continued lunging birds at swine, as is my people’s custom, when the fellow in the next stalling busted out his intestinal orchestra for a rousing rendition of “Squirt Quintet In E Major.”

Pooping, by and large, is a very solitary activity. We have bathrooms at home with single toilets for a reason. Cats go off to a litter box. Most wild animals have a place where they go to specifically leave their waste. All of nature knows you go away to shit. Away. Not toward. Not next to me playing Angry Birds but away. So when the natural order of things is ruined by the good plumbers contracted to work on the washroom at LAX, what you end up with is an unnatural conjunction of terrible ass sounds.

Plus, an unshakable help feeling that sends chills down my spine every time this happens .

Like you, when confronted with a stranger in the next stall, I debate over holding everything I have to do until they leave, or seeing if I can maintain such precise control over my orifices as to let everything slip out of me like a ghost, with nary a peep to be heard. Unlike you and I, the man in the next stall had given up on politenes and may have actually been trying to make it sound worse than it should have naturally by concentrating extremely difficult, like Magneto trying to pull the adamantium from Wolverine’s very skeleton, merely in this case instead of indestructible metal alloy it was just the remains of a kosher snack and Pabst.

Same change .

The cherry on this fouled sundae was the far end of my neighbor’s fecal vuvuzela. It wasn’t enough that he had trained his ass to produce a low-budget Niagara Falls; he was one of those grunters. Ever considered a bulldog with its fat, flat little face trying to pull a tennis ball out from under a couch, but it has no snout, so it can’t reaching? And it just grunts and moans and snorts at the ball? Yeah, that’s the sound.

# 1. Male Porn Stars

The day after talkie cinemas were invented, grunty porns were invented. Since then, both have advanced in many ways, but the one route in which no one wanted advancement was in the arena of male contribution to pornographic audio. What is incorrect with every male porn starring? I’ll confess I have my doubts that they’re not all joking. The shit that comes out of most male porn stars’ mouths could easily be misunderstood as a gag, so it’s possible it’s solely intentional. But I have a lingering fear also that it’s not. That many of these guys are literally hollering as they spatter some poor co-worker with the seed of ennui is harrowing.

Most of these women simply want the pizza .

There’s clearly no way anyone is turned on by the audios of a human in a porno. Women, definitely, whether receiving actual pleasure or faking it, have a delightful lyrical quality to their excitations. It’s like listening to a really catchy ‘8 0s pop-rock anthem “youve never” knew existed, and you instantly want to hear it again. A man in porno sounds like a garbage man throwing up under your bedroom window at 6 a.m. This includes everything ranging from dialogue to unbearably fake moans.

This. You sound like like this .

The only sounds a dude should properly construct during sexuality are guttural and low volume. It should be all bass and barely audible to anyone outside the room. Growls, grunts, loud exhalations — these are the currency movements actual man humpage. And, if it’s on your menu, a fine selection of dirty talk can be included. None of that belongs in porno, however, since porno is supposed to be the brutally unrealistic and over-the-top fake fantasy version of sexuality. So, properly speaking, dudes should be muffled at all hours. That ludicrous Tarzan shit isn’t doing anyone any favors, and it totally ruins every scene for everyone. How many directors have had to cut scenes when a male porn star starts bellowing like a freight train with its dick stuck in a blender and the woman he’s with can’t stop laughing? This absolutely must be an issue on-set.

Just imagine doing this shit in the ‘8 0s, when VHS tapes were at a premium .

Do us all a favor, male porn stars: You shut your mouths. It may be unfair, but you’re defined dressing and that’s it. And if that constructs you feel marginalized, stop and consider the fact you get paid to plow hot ladies on camera and realize there’s nothing that can be done to you that will effectively marginalize you in any meaningful route that another human being will ever care about. Your job could require someone to shoot you in the foot when you’re done and still no one would sympathize with your plight. So please, stop all that fuss. Just read a book or something while you work. Spare us the dramatics.

For more terrible sounds that didn’t make this list, check out Steve Harwell singing in 4 Lead Singers That Sound Shockingly Bad Without The Band, and watch why The Beastie Boys never thought “( You Gotta) Fight For Your Right( To Party) ” would be a hit in 6 Classic Songs That Were Supposed To Be Jokes . Subscribe to our YouTube channel for the worst voice in history in Every Dave Matthews Song Ever, and watch other videos you won’t consider on the site ! Also follow us on Facebook , now with 50 percentage less fat .

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