88 Hilarious News Headlines That Sound A Lot More Like’ Onion’ Narratives Than Real Life

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1.

KKK LEADER VOWS TO MAKE GROUP MORE RACIALLY DIVERSE ~ ATAGEND

2.

ENDANGERED BABY DOLPHIN DIES AFTER SWIMMERS PASS IT AROUND FOR SELFIES ~ ATAGEND

3.

MAN BOMBS WALMART FOR NOT SELLING CONFEDERATE FLAG ~ ATAGEND

4.

WOMAN’S DEAD BODY MISTAKEN FOR HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS ~ ATAGEND

5.

THE WOMAN WHO WORE A FAKE DICK TO CATFISH HER FRIEND INTO SEX HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY ~ ATAGEND

6.

THERE IS LITERALLY A U.S. GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY AGAINST VEGAN MAYO ~ ATAGEND

7.

FISH LEAPS FROM RIVER, KNOCKS FLA. TEEN UNCONSCIOUS ~ ATAGEND

8.

CAN A CANOPY BED EVER BE MASCULINE ?~ ATAGEND

9.

NEBRASKA WOMAN FILES SUIT IN FEDERAL COURT AGAINST ALL HOMOSEXUALS ~ ATAGEND

10.

WHY IS SPRING BEING SO PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE ?~ ATAGEND

11.

MOST MILLENNIALSCAN’T DO A SINGLE NICE THING FOR SOMEONE ELSE ~ ATAGEND

12.

MISS ISRAEL AND MISS LEBANON APPEAR IN A SELFIE, SPARKING A NEW MIDEAST CONFLICT ~ ATAGEND

13.

PRESIDENT OBAMA AGING ONLY AS FAST AS THE REST OF US, RESEARCHER FINDS ~ ATAGEND

14.

WOMAN RECEIVES $31 CREDIT FROM UBER AFTER BEING SEXUALLY HARASSED BY DRIVER ~ ATAGEND

15.

HARVARD BUSINESS SCHOOL PROFESSOR GOES TO WAR OVER$ 4 WORTH OF CHINESE FOOD ~ ATAGEND

16.

100 BRAINS GO MISSING FROM UNIVERSITY ~ ATAGEND

17.

XBOX ONE OWNERS CAN ORDER PIZZA BY YELLING FEED ME AT TV ~ ATAGEND

18.

FANTASY DATE WITH TWINS TURNS SOUR FOR MANHATTAN MAN, 84 ~ ATAGEND

19.

SAUSAGE-MAKER WANTS TO SET RECORD STRAIGHT ON HOW SAUSAGE IS MADE ~ ATAGEND

20.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU Attain A PODCAST ABOUT PODCASTS ABOUT A PODCAST ~ ATAGEND

21.

FLORIDA SHOPPER VIDEOTAPED PUTTING CHAINSAW IN PANTS ~ ATAGEND

22.

GAP HAS A PROBLEM: ITS” DRESS NORMAL” CAMPAIGN IS WAY TOO NORMAL ~ ATAGEND

23.

EBOLA: HORRIBLE FOR PEOPLE, GREAT FOR BUSINESS

24.

ULTIMATE COFFEE FAN SPENDS 17 YEARS VISITING EVERY STARBUCKS IN THE WORLD ~ ATAGEND

25.

THE WORST Thing ABOUT SEAWORLD IS HOW FUCKING BORING IT IS ~ ATAGEND

26.

ITS TIME TO AIR THE REST OF HELLO KITTYS SORDID PAST ~ ATAGEND

27.

MAN SHOOTS HIMSELF IN THE HEAD AFTER Attempt TO TAKE A SELFIE WITH A GUN ~ ATAGEND

28.

THE INTERNET SHOULD HAVE KILLED WEIRD AL. IT ONLY MADE HIM STRONGER ~ ATAGEND

29.

AUDIENCE EJECTS CROWD-SURFER FROM CLASSICAL CONCERT ~ ATAGEND

30.

PEOPLE INVESTED$ 1 MILLION IN AN APP THAT JUST SAYS’ YO ‘~ ATAGEND

31.

IRAQ IS THE ULTIMATE STARTUP EVERYONE KNEW WAS DOOMED ~ ATAGEND

32.

NOBODY CARES HOW AWESOME YOU ARE AT YOUR JOB ~ ATAGEND

33.

SCIENTISTS CREATE WORLDS TINIEST 3-D GLASSES TO SHOW BUGS 3-D MOVIES ~ ATAGEND

34.

PORN ACTORS CALL FOR BOYCOTT OF SAMUEL L. JACKSON MOVIES AFTER HE RECOMMENDS FREE PORN ~ ATAGEND

35.

CHINESE OFFICIALS DEBATE WHY CHINA CANT MAKE A SOAP OPERA AS GOOD AS SOUTH KOREA’S ~ ATAGEND

36.

SENATOR AVOIDS GETTING HIT BY ONCOMING TRAIN DURING PRESS CONFERENCE ON TRAIN SAFETY ~ ATAGEND

37.

NEW YORK TIMES ISSUES CORRECTION ON ARTICLE ABOUT CORRECTIONS ~ ATAGEND

38.

STRAY CHIHUAHUAS TERRORIZE ARIZONA TOWN ~ ATAGEND

39.

RACCOON WATCHES YANKEES’ SPRING TRAINING WORKOUTS ~ ATAGEND

40.

RIVAL GROUNDHOGS DIFFER ON WINTER FORECASTS ~ ATAGEND

41.

RUSSIAN’ KILLS FRIEND IN ARGUMENT OVER WHETHER POETRY OR PROSE IS BETTER ‘~ ATAGEND

42.

SNAPCAT, A PHOTO-SHARING APP FOR CATS, IS FUN BUT PROBABLY NOT WORTH$ 3 BILLION ~ ATAGEND

43.

MAKER OF ANIMATED GIFS WAITS FOR OFFBEAT MOMENTS ~ ATAGEND

44.

FEED-THE-BEAR EXPERIMENT DRAWS PUBLIC-SAFETY WORRY ~ ATAGEND

45.

GOP PLAN TO APPEAL TO MILLENNIALS: MAKE ABORTION FUNNY ~ ATAGEND

46.

COP GETS STUCK IN TREE TRYING TO RESCUE CAT STUCK IN TREE ~ ATAGEND

47.

RICH MANHATTAN MOMS HIRE HANDICAPPED TOUR GUIDES SO KIDS CAN CUT LINES AT DISNEY WORLD ~ ATAGEND

48.

NASA MARS ROVER ACCIDENTALLY DRAWS PENIS ON RED PLANET ~ ATAGEND

49.

BUSH: SOME PEOPLE ARE SURPRISED I CAN EVEN READ ~ ATAGEND

50.

LAST TWO SPEAKERS OF DYING LANGUAGE REFUSE TO TALK TO EACH OTHER ~ ATAGEND

51.

SOMALIA GETS A TOURIST, MOGADISHU OFFICIALS ARE BAFFLED ~ ATAGEND

52.

JUSTIN BIEBERS PET MONKEY QUARANTINED IN GERMANY ~ ATAGEND

53.

STRICKEN JUSTIN BIEBER SUFFERS ANOTHER BLOW — HIS HAMSTER IS DEAD ~ ATAGEND

54.

COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY STUDENTS CONSUME 100 POUNDS OF NUTELLA A DAY: REPORT ~ ATAGEND

55.

FINDING THE JUST-RIGHT LEVEL OF SELF-ESTEEM FOR A CHILD ~ ATAGEND

56.

WAREHOUSE WORKER PACKING STRESS BALLS PUNCHED HIS BOSS IN FACE ~ ATAGEND

57.

MICHELLE OBAMA ALSO CAN’T PRONOUNCE QUVENZHANE WALLIS’ NAME ~ ATAGEND

58.

VLADIMIR PUTIN HIRES BOYZ II MEN TO BOOST THE RUSSIAN BIRTH RATE ~ ATAGEND

59.

THAT CUDDLY KITTY IS DEADLIER THAN YOU THINK ~ ATAGEND

60.

SNOOP TO EDUCATE KIDS ABOUT SMOKING POT ~ ATAGEND

61.

RUSSIA EMERGES FROM TWO-WEEK NEW YEAR DRINKING BINGE ~ ATAGEND

62.

MONOPOLY IS SENDING A GAME PIECE TO JAIL, PERMANENTLY ~ ATAGEND

63.

STYLISH BUT ILLEGAL MONKEY FOUND ROAMING TORONTO ~ ATAGEND

64.

NO ONE REPORTED SHOT, STABBED OR SLASHED IN NYC ON MONDAY ~ ATAGEND

65.

MAN SUES WIFE FOR BEING UGLY … AND WINS ~ ATAGEND

66.

ELK BANISHED FROM 100 MILE RANCH B.C. AFTER FALLING IN LOVE WITH COW ~ ATAGEND

67.

PAIR BANNED FROM ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT RESTAURANT FOR EATING TOO MUCH ~ ATAGEND

68.

TYLENOL BOTTLES: HARD TO OPEN FOR 30 YEARS ~ ATAGEND

69.

GOOD SMELL PERPLEXES NEW YORKERS ~ ATAGEND

70.

MISSING WOMAN UNWITTINGLY JOINS SEARCH PARTY LOOKING FOR HERSELF ~ ATAGEND

71.

OWNER TO RENAME HITLER CLOTHING SHOPS AFTER COMPLAINTS ~ ATAGEND

72.

ANGRY NEPALI MAN BITES COBRA TO DEATH IN REVENGE ATTACK ~ ATAGEND

73.

SUN IS TOO ROUND, SAY SCIENTISTS ~ ATAGEND

74.

MORE OF AMERICA IS A DISASTER THAN NOT ~ ATAGEND

75.

AREA MAN JOINS ORGANIZATION WHERE NOTHING MUCH EVER HAPPENS ~ ATAGEND

76.

ARE SKINNY JEANS DESTROYING HIPSTER SPERM COUNTS ?~ ATAGEND

77.

CAT HAS BEEN MAYOR OF ALASKA TOWN FOR 15 YEARS ~ ATAGEND

78.

ADULT MEN WHO LIKE’ MY LITTLE PONY’ GATHER, SAY THEY ARE NOT CREEPY ~ ATAGEND

79.

FAN GETS KICKED OUT OF KENNY CHESNEY CONCERT FOR LOOKING TOO MUCH LIKE KENNY CHESNEY ~ ATAGEND

80.

ARIZONA FIGHTS HIGHWAY DUST STORMS WITH HAIKU ~ ATAGEND

81.

FOR WOULD-BE COUGARS, THE PROM IS A GOOD START ~ ATAGEND

82.

70 -YEAR-OLD VIRGIN SAYS SHES FINALLY READY FOR LOVE ~ ATAGEND

83.

NEW SCHOOL CANT BE COUGARS BECAUSE MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN MIGHT BE OFFENDED ~ ATAGEND

84.

‘ HUGGER MUGGERS ‘: POLICE WARN OF’ FRIENDLY’ CRIMINALS ~ ATAGEND

85.

SOME CHILDRENS CEREALS PACKED WITH SUGAR, STUDY FINDS ~ ATAGEND

86.

ZOO TO SPLIT UP GAY PENGUINS ~ ATAGEND

87.

8-FOOT-TALL LEGO MAN WASHES UP ON FLORIDA BEACH, HELD IN CUSTODY ~ ATAGEND

88.

FAMILY LOST IN MASSACHUSETTS CORN MAZE CALLS 911 FOR HELP

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