Snow White Is A LOTR Sequel: A Mind-Blowing Theory
In 1937, a story involving dwarfs came out which paved the way for its creator to define a large swath of nerd culture and become a household name. It was the first little person porn ever. And coincidentally, the same year also saw the release of The Hobbit and Walt Disney’s Snow White. But did you ever guess that Disney’s story ends what Tolkien started, and clearly takes place in Middle-earth long after the events of The Lord Of The Rings?
#6. Snow White And The Queen Are Gondor Royalty
Behold the King’s daughter, fairest among maidens. Lips red as a rose, hair black as ebony, skin white as a Keith Urban concert. No wonder a handsome foreigner was smitten when he saw her. And his love didn’t go unrequited. This is how the Tale of Beren and Luthien begins in The Silmarillion. Boom! See that misdirection? You thought it was some Snow White shit, but it wasn’t. I mean, it is that, but it’s also Tolkien.
Mortal man Beren and elf maiden Luthien Tinuviel (of the New Jersey Tinuviels) are forebears of the kings of Numenor and Gondor. Seeing as how the love story of Beren and Luthien echoes through the millennia in their great-great-many-times-great-grandchildren, it comes as no surprise that a similar fate awaits Aragorn and Arwen’s descendant, Snow White.
The family resemblance would only be uncannier if Steven Tyler cast her in inappropriately weird videos during her early teens.
At this point you may be thinking that we’re smoking too much of that pipe with Gandalf, but have you noticed Snow White’s rapport with the birds and beasts of the wild? The way they listen and respond to her?
Doesn’t this suggest a deep connection with nature, as someone with Elvish blood would have?
If you are one of the ten people who read through The Lord Of The Rings without skipping the songs, you might remember the hymn some Elves sing to the goddess Varda. The song refers to the goddess by several names: Elbereth, Gilthoniel … and also Snow-white. She’s a full-on goddess, so naming your kid Snow White in Gondor would be like a Texan naming his kid John Wayne or Ronald Reagan. Just a way to show how devout you are.
On the flip side, we have the wicked Queen. We know she has to be of the blood of Numenor, because Gondorians are awfully racist. And what do you know, there are a bunch of Numenoreans who are wicked and practice the dark arts: the Black Numenoreans. It isn’t even unprecedented for one to marry her way to the throne: The Lord of The Rings includes a throwaway reference to “the cats of Queen Beruthiel.” Beruthiel is described in Unfinished Tales as keeping tabs on her subjects with a secret police of telepathic cats. Because of course she did. Why wouldn’t she have that?
#5. The Geography Matches
If you have read the book, you might remember that when Aragorn takes office as King HoboBeard the First, he’s given the Crown of Gondor and the Scepter of Annuminas. The new king restores the long-abandoned northern capital, and often stays there, presumably to go skinny-dipping in the lake.
You might need to peek over the hills.
Might be a castle that looks a little like this:
What else do you see in that map? Maybe off to the east. That’s the Old Forest.
“Take Snow White far into the forest,” the evil Queen orders. “Then toss her ass in the wood chipper.” But when the time comes, the huntsman decides he’s not down for hacking up hot brunettes, and shoos Snow White into the dark, ominous forest of big scary trees.
Ostensibly to let her live.
The Old Forest is far, as per the Queen’s orders, but still close enough to be the right place. And it’s dark and ominous, thick with big, angry trees. So angry that a willow tries to eat Merry and Pippin. And the Hobbits would have become part of the cycle of photosynthesis if not for ancient woodland sprite / hillbilly stoner Tom Bombadil, who arrives just in time to save their curly-haired asses.
All this was left out of Peter Jackson’s movies, but in the extended edition of The Two Towers, the willow is transplanted to Fangorn Forest, with Treebeard taking Bombadil’s place as rescuer. Because if you need extra footage to get people to buy the same movie twice, a hobbit-munching tree will do as well as anything else.
Luckily for Snow White, she gets to safety before the story is reversed and some apple tree bites her. But it’s not in Tom Bombadil’s house that she finds shelter. It’s in someone else’s.
#4. The Dwarfs Are Clearly Native To Middle-Earth
Dwarfs are dwarfs. Short, stocky, bearded. They toil away in caverns, seeking riches. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. But are the Seven Dwarfs Middle-earth dwarfs? Are they dwarves?
Turns out that as generic as these little fellows may be, their fears are very specific. Listen to their alarmed speculations when they discover a squatter is in their place.
The Barrow-downs are nearby, which are haunted by undead things. So obviously, a ghost is their first guess. But after that, they start worrying about creatures with a history of making dwarves homeless.
A goblin? Goblins overran their ancestral home of Moria.
A demon? It was a demon of shadow and flame that chased them out of Moria in the first place.
A dragon? Smaug took their other ancestral home in the Lonely Mountain. In fact, those three guesses are the three Middle-earth douchebags who keep shitting on the dwarves’ parades.
“But what about their names? Middle-earth dwarves have names like Durin, Dwalin, or Oin, not Sleepy or Bashful. Doesn’t this prove you’re wrong and a complete dumbass? No offense, shithead.”
It’s time to get schooled in dwarf names. You might have heard about the Poetic Edda. It’s a collection of Icelandic poems that includes of most of what we know about Norse mythology.
Without the Edda, you wouldn’t have this.
One of these poems is an epic titled “Voluspa.” The “Voluspa” does a weird thing: After a few stanzas, it stops, lists a bunch of dwarfs who never show up again, then continues. I don’t know, maybe someone was selling lawn gnomes and paid to have their catalog included. Doesn’t matter.
And those names aren’t just silly-sounding words. They have meanings. Meanings you can learn with this old scholarly paper. Here’s what happens when you look up Durin:
You can also see “Dwalin” (here spelled “Dvalinn”) up there. Note the translation.
What about “Oin”? It translates as “shy.” You know, like Bashful?
Separated at birth.
That’s right, they’re all straight-up Disneyfied cutesy bullshit. They’re also cursed.
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