Vanderpump Rules Recap: I’m The White Fucking Kanye West

Okay, so lets pretend weve been doing these since the beginning of the season and I didnt simply pick up in the middle because I couldnt suppress the urge that needed to be commenting on all this fuckery, and that somebody had to be me.

The episode begins with Scheana, Ariana and Katie running lingerie shopping, where once again, we are reminded that Katie and Tom havent had sex since they got engaged. Okay, we get it, and we dont feel bad for you. Consummating an involvement is not a thing, get it in or get the fuck over it.

Katie :
Katie :

Also, side note: I totally missed when and why Katie and Tom started calling each other Bubba, but its weird.

James and Lisas silent child, Max, are in a recording studio making a Cd because James thinks hes an actual musician. K.

Direct quote from James :

Im wholly publishing that on T-shirts and selling them; nobody steal my idea.

Turns out James is not attaining his shitty demo to pass out on the street of L.A ., but a Cd for Pump. Bsically, hes making 10 ballads worth of background noise for the restaurant he works at. This is( another direct quote) the greatest accomplishment in their own lives in so far. Thank you, Bravo producers, for totally putting my life into perspective.

Meanwhile, Tom squared goes to get Sandovals ass tattoo removed and Schwartz is sad he wont be butt brothers with Sandoval anymore. There there. At least youll always share your first name and initials.

While Sandoval get his ass lasered, the two of them rehash the convo from the last episode where Jax explodes at Tom for talking about his band too much. Why are they still opposing about this? Literally nobody gives a fuck. For a group of people who are wasted so much of the time, their minds are somehow steel traps for drama. Must be exhausting.

Sidebar: How long was Sandoval planning to use that literally a huge pain in the ass gag?

At the end of this procedure, instead of having a shitty A tattoo, Sandoval has a scar in the shape of a shitty A tattoo. Not quite sure how this is an improvement, but at least theres one thing this episode that stimulates Ariana happy.

Later, Kristen and Stassi are hanging out and Kristens nervous about her slapstick sketches being ready. Wait hold up, Kristens funny? Im skeptical. Curious to see how this sub-plot of Kristen having a personality aside from pure psychosis develops.

Kristen exposes her plans to basically force Katie and Stassi to rekindle their friendship in time for Katies wedding.

Kristen :

I literally see nothing wrong with this plan.

At Brittanys boob job consult, Jax once again reveals that hes secretly 5.

Jax:

And Brittany reveals that she not-so-secretly lacks a brain.

Doctor :
Brittany :
Jax:
Brittany:

Damn it, Brittany! I was really hoping this would be the time youd actually think for yourself.

Back at Scheana and Shays shitshow of a entirely functional marriage, Scheana says some passive-aggressive shit about Shay drinking too much. Hold up, didnt she pressure him into having 10 cocktails like, last episode at their anniversary dinner? Damn it, where’s a gif of this moment when I need it?

Scheana :
Scheana( literally last episode ):

I feel like Im taking fucking crazy pills over here. Shay, grow some balls and tell your spouse shes constructing no fucking sense.

Jax helps Ariana and Tom move a lounge and literally the second he puts it down Ariana brings up that incident about Tom wanting to talk about his band that literally only the two of them still dedicate two shits about. Okay, I was on team Tom& Ariana with the Scheana/ Ari’s mom thing but damn, this is petty AF, can you guys not just let this run? You’re about to ruin relationships over a misconstrue, shitty drunken analogy? Now Im kind of understanding the whole Tom& Ariana vs. the world beef. Crap, does this entail I agree with Scheana on something?

Back to Brittanys boobs bc thats why are always watch. Surprise, Britt gets the bigger boobs she didnt actually want becauseindependent thinking is hard.

Jax:

Idea: lets strap a 70 TV to Jaxs chest and stimulate him walk around with it everyday and assure who’s complaining.

We find Lala for the first time all episode. She has darker hair now which builds sense bc shes taken up reading books. Seems legit.

We learn about some shit that previously went down( perhaps last episode when I was opening up bottle of wine# 2, idk) where James insulted some dude named Richardson who I dont suppose ever has appeared on camera and shat on him for being a server? LOL JAMES LOOK AT YOUR LIFE. LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES. James comes to meet Lisa and, Richards is his name ?, at Pump and basically implore for Lisas mercy. Lisa and Richardson turn to each other and talk shit about James in French right in front of his face and it is cold AF, Im loving it. James is apologizing and Lisa is kind of sympathetic and it seems like all James has to do to keep his undertaking is not act like a complete jackass for five seconds

James :

Lisa :

James starts blubbering and I virtually feel bad for him exceptno I dont, he presented up to work drunk and belligerent, thats amateur hour. At least when I show up to work wasted I have the sense to not tell a word to anybody.

Lisa :

I swear, theres no job security like having a Tv shows ratings rest on how much you are able to fuck up on the reg. Must be nice.

Katie invited everybody they know to their participation shoot on the beach and Tom is contemplating throwing himself into an early watery grave because apparently he is a professional model who cant stand the thought of doing a professional engagement shoot.

James brings some random bitch to attain Kristen jealous and I think even the random passersby can see through the lame-ass maneuver hes trying to pull.

Lala :

I think we need to award Lala an honorary psych degree, guys. Those volumes are paying off. Keep at it, girl.

Kristen and her friend Rachael join, somebody brings up their slapstick thing and Ariana starts sharing her opinion that literally noone asked for, because I guess comedy is like Ariana’s Crossfit.

Ariana :

Ariana stop talking, I actually liked you and youre ruining it.

Ariana tells all the girls that she basically detests them. Well , now the bitchy cats out of the suitcase. Enjoy social suicide, Ari.Kristen debates confronting her.

Kristen : Bravo Kristen. Youre building real progress.

In the end, Kristen cant resist a good cat fighting. She and Ariana both take turns insulting one another by talking really slowly and its the best, most passive-aggressive shit Ive ever seen, like when youre a camp counselor and youre trying really hard to not pop off on one of your campers.

The episode ends with Jax contemplating his life and his options( like James should be doing, but whatevs ).

Jax :

Jax : Jax, do you read our volumes?

Prediction : Jax is going to dump Brittany like, next episode. Hes hinted at his unhappiness with the relationship twice already. Twice. Brittany, dont get too attached to those titties just yet. Until next time. div.body_middle_part_right. bodypart: nth-child( n +2 ), a.prevBody display: none ;

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